Storytime 4: F is for Friends who do stuff together

(I started this on the last day of school, and finished it now because I got lazy)

So. I got off school at about noon...knew that I had to go to my second dance in about 7 hours.

This post isn’t just about the dance. Today has been pretty darn tootin awesome and I want to share the story with the whole world! Or, you know, the two people that actually read this blog (Oprah and Abraham Lincoln).

So, it was the last day of school (or Auschwitz 2.0 as I like to call it) and I was happier than a beaver on a broomstick. I was actually excited for this dance because a lot of my friends would be there and it was the last day of school so I didn’t give a fuck about what would happen. But eventually, our old friend Nervousness rode into town on his trusty steed, Apprehension. I started to think “what if I cant get anybody to dance with me and all my friends are dancing and I’m just standing on the side like a Looser McSnoozer.”

Well, that thought stayed with me almost the entire day. But luckily, my niggas Alex and Brian hit me up on the telly and were like “Come over bro, we are really gay and we need you to even out the sexuality quota with your manliness”. So, I moseyed on over to Alex’s house. But I was 2 hours late, so Brian berated me with mean and hurtful comments that will forever remain etched into my heart; like “This makes me never wanna hang out with you again”.

I wont lie, I cried. Those words hurt so much, especially coming from Brian. I felt like I had just gotten a light brown Labrador puppy named Scooter and taught him how to scooter on his own personal puppy scooter that I paid for with the money I earned from mowing lawns all summer. Then, when taking Scooter to the boardwalk to show him to the girl I had crushed on since the third grade, the sound of a screeching puppy cry pierced my eardrums. Just as I had spotted the girl’s stunning long black hair flowing in the summer breeze, Scooter had wandered into the street behind me and was slaughtered by a 30 ton truck.

Ok, so back at Alex’s house, Anthony, Ketan (Indian fool), Will, Ben, and Matt (white ass niggas) came over with slurpees for everyone EXCEPT ME (come see me in the fucking streets if you bout to disrespect me like that esse). We chilled for a little bit, then Alex made the plan to go down the street and jam at Dennis’ house. Now see, Dennis is one of two extraordinary people I met today. He’s a laid back 40 something year-old white guy who wears backwards baseball caps and has the most awesomest garage ever. After tapping on his garage door, he opened up and immediately welcomed us in. Remember, we are eight teenage boys with slurpees, six of whom he had never met before.


Dennis’ garage was awe-inspiring. He has two huge drum sets, two guitars, a bass, three computer monitors, gigantic speakers and systems filling every wall and corner, a full organized tool set, a refrigerator abound with ice tea, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff. There were some large blue boxes on a shelf and I wouldn’t have been surprised to find Tupac in one of them.

After jizzing in my pants from the awesomness, we watched Alex, Brian, Anthony, and Dennis jam for about two hours (I even joined in with some maracas). At the beginning of the jam session, it was duller than Al Gore (woot fucking Al Gore joke, I’m on fire!), but then Dennis joined in and made everything a bit more funky (like my ringtone that has recently become too embarrassing for comfort).

So, then we went back to A-Trains house and dressed up. I wore slacks with the shiniest electric blue shirt you ever did see; if I had a gold chain with some curly chest hair I would have been all set to go clubbing at the swankiest joint in Jersey.
Then, the decisive decision that would decide da rest of my life (lol alliteration) arose...to tuck or not to tuck. Tucked in made me look husky and busky, but untucked made me look larger than a very large automobile. So I decided to go with husky and busky, but I was still looking sessy for all them mami's looking to get messy.

EventuaMcwally, we got to the dance by way of Brian's lovely parents. I hooked up with some old ass fools I aint even heard of in like hella days, so I was like "Oh shit watsup bro, I aint even seen you like in hella days". We then showed each other our inner thigh butterfly tatooes and reminisced of times past.

Then, the dance started and I was poppin and lockin and movin to the groovin, and just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted "YAAAAAY AREAAAAAAA".......Seriously, almost every other song had that in it, I mean I'm all for reppin the bay but there's a limit. I wanted to go to E-40's house and take a shit on the one thing he cherishes most in life.....ummm you know, something black people like.....like uuhh aids, yes AIDS! Black people are always talking bout aids, right?

Anywho, the whole dancing thang went pretty well. I danced with six different beezys, but I can't take all the credit. I only actually asked three to dance. Two of them, my friends asked for me before the dance because they were afraid I'd have no one to dance with. And the other one was the result of my large, strong black friend, Deante, asking me if I danced with anybody, I told him yes but he didn't believe me. He then proceeded to grab and drag me around the entire dance floor (I literally could not escape his grasp) and told this girl to dance with me. She did, which was nice, albeit a little awkward.

Also, a little funny tidbit: me, Nate Hirai, and Janesh (two cool guys that I met for the first time, Janesh being the second extraordinary guy I met that day) walked up to these three asian chicks that were sitting on the side of the dance floor and asked them to dance, they politely denied. But, we still felt pretty awesome for mustering up the balls to ask. So, about 20 minutes later (here's THE HILARIOUS PART), three asian guys walked in and sat with them. LAWL, they already had dates! Woowweee zowie! Now wasn't that a knee slapper.

After everybody left the dance, we stayed a little longer, helping to put the chairs and tables back and kinda cleaning up because the main organizers were our friends. And because our ride (Alex's mom) took longer to get there than it took for Jesus to die. I got bored, and did some things I don't regret. One of them being, sliding on my belly across the dance floor, it was fucking awesome and I got my friend to record it, but I haven't got the video yet, so stay tuned. Anyway, when I got up from the belly slide however, my shoes had skidded on the floor and made a huge black streak. Then, some Ukranian guy came up to me and repeatedly asked me "who's gonna pay for this", I apologized and didn't know what to do, but thankfully the streaks just wiped off.

[insert awesome video of me belly sliding on dance floor]

Finally, we all went home and I became BFF's with Nate. This concludes my fantabulous last day of school story.

I know I haven't updated this bad boy in a long time, but I'm definitely gonna be much more consistent. So don't touch that dial! or clicker! or Filipino (you might get dirty).

Fear...

is only in your mind.

Pain is for real.

I dare you to watch this entire video without chopping your balls off, slicing each ball into two pieces, and using those two pieces to cover your eyes and ears from the monstrosity that is this video. And if you don't have any balls, find some! Because watching this will feel like Will Smith coming to your house and telling you that you won a contest to spend an entire all expenses paid weekend with him at Disneyland, and then have him take out a knife and slit his throat right in front of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HhxxwEQDCg
(I didn't want to post it in the actual blog because it scares me.)

So you watched the video, or however much you could stand of it? (I only lasted about a minute) K great. Now you must be thinking: "How do we stop this infernal beast from making another one of these videos?"

Well, after countless hours of research (and baking), I've discovered only one way to tame this beast...with a harpoon. A URINE HARPOON (this picture is a tad disturbing, but otherwise awesome, ok maybe "awesome" isn't really the right choice of word, it's just interesting . Looking at this picture is like watching a pack of wild racoons kill a mountain lion; it's sad, very unlikely, but you know you wanna see it.)

If you're a pussy (or from Utah) and all this is making you a sad panda, I present to you a song that I have been constantly replaying and singing for the past three days. I can't get it out of my head and I hope you can't get it out of yours. It only has around 11,000 views so spread the greatness of this song and we can all meet at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.

Soulja Boi Schmell Em

So, once again it's been a while since my last post (8 days oh ma gah!). I've been busy trying to be makin dat paypa so I can finally move out of the hood. Also, E3 (the biggest game convention of the year) started last week so I spent all day yesterday from 9am to midnight watching press conferences, demos, trailers, and reading forums and previews. It was a pretty tiring day, huh Esteban?

Esteban: No.
Haywad: I SAID pretty tiring day, HUH Esteban?
Esteban: Uh no, not really.
Haywad: Well, your just being a big Mr. Prissy Pants today, huh EsteGAY!
Esteban: Hey! Hey! You said you wouldn't talk about that!
Haywad: Oh man, sorry. It just slipped.
Esteban: It's ok, just be quiet please, I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
Haywad: Sure man. Sorry, I won't talk about how you like your butthole viciously gaped with big black meat.
Esteban: Hey! Fuck you man! Forget this, we're done bro, we are done! (Esteban, wincing and flailing dramatically, jogs through the front door, closing it just enough to leave open a tiny crack, a dark sliver of remorse that Haywad would never forget).
Haywad: What.....What have I done! My foolish recklessness has lost me another friend. Esteban! ESTEBAN! ESTEEEBAAAAAAAANNNNN, come back! (more like cum back, amirite?)

So, after that little ordeal, I ate some Coco Puffs and felt marginally better.

Last weekend, I saw Pixar's newest animation sensation, Up. First of all, I have to say that the movie theater was dreadfully stuffy and hot, the best possible way to describe the temperature would be that it was warmer than a bobcat on a Sunday morning (sorry, I had to put that terrible metaphor for personal reasons). The first 3/4 of Up was amazing, I honestly almost cried at one point, but as the movie went on it became a little tedious and I didn't care very much about the conclusion. I give it 9.4 cupcakes out of 10. I must say however, the animated short before the movie was nothing short of brilliance (or should I say billiance...cuz it had storks in it, get it? ok cool).

Another little thing I'd like to show yall kind folk is a conversation I had with Brian, that Korean fool from Storytime 3. See, we were chatting it up on AIM about Shaft for some reason and Brian totally got pwnt. I am MonkeyJakmoo.

MonkeyJakMoo (12:15:49 AM): shaft is from a song
Lubs to Splooge (12:15:54 AM): no
Lubs to Splooge (12:15:57 AM): that's the name of a song
MonkeyJakMoo (12:16:13 AM): actually, its the shaft theme
Lubs to Splooge (12:16:19 AM): i know it's also a movie
MonkeyJakMoo (12:16:41 AM): i know it's also a fried chicken chain in louisana
Lubs to Splooge (12:16:57 AM): what
Lubs to Splooge (12:16:58 AM): really
MonkeyJakMoo (12:17:02 AM): HAHAHAHAH NO
MonkeyJakMoo (12:17:08 AM): got you good
Lubs to Splooge (12:17:33 AM): :[

What an idiot!

Brian was pwnt so badly, it's as if the Grand Wizard of Tomfoolery was summoned to the bastion of Pwnage and hath knocked on Brian's door to deliver him the ancient scroll of Pwnocity.

Damnit, I had an awesome video of this Japanese game show where a guy had to tap another guy's nipples really fast, and the guy was dressed like a cow with nipple cut out's. He was moaning and looked extremely uncomfortable and it was supposed to represent Brian being pwned. Too bad it's private now.

So here's a video of a guy (probably gay or high) dancing by himself at a Music Festival, then starting a huge dance party. I wish to do something like this one day, but ofcourse mine would involve bears and lasertag.

fuck dude

Yeah, I know I haven't blogged in more than a week, sorry. I have been busy and the next blog I want to do takes a bunch of time that I haven't found yet. So here is some funny shit to tide you over if your aching (for Clay Aiken) a laugh.

This is the gayest thing ever, I feel so sorry for these kids when they grow up. Like McSeriously, it's just hilarious how they don't think this is extremely off the charts homosexuality to the max. I dare you to find something this gay and funny, if you do, please post it in the comments.


Here's a hippo pressing his ass to the tank's glass and shitting and spraying it everywhere. Skip to 0:45 for the festivities.


The best part is when dat fool shits and then swangs on out like a playa and dat udder fool be swimmin into it like a dumass or sumtin. He musta been like "oh dayum, I did not realize dat dhere was gonna be shit all up in my face when I be cummin on out here to be peepin at dem humans."

But, basically, he was like "Guuuurrrllll, you did not just take a dump right into my perusing area and den just walk on out of here like you think you know me, oh hell nah, that shit don't fly in da streets, nu uh, not with Bufanda "She got dem rolls" Jackson."

But, to put it simply, he probably just said "Well, isn't that the funniest thing. I come here to have a nice swim around the tank, like I do everyday, and on my final lap I run into a face full of feces. Not to be a Picky Peter or anything, but I believe that breaks Code 4.6 of the Hippo Humanitarian Handbook. And this is not the first time this has happened. No siree! I have let it slide in the past, but this is too much! Francis the Hippo isn't going to take this, excuse my language, bullcockery anymore! I am going straight to the tank manager and filing a 3 page report."
Tony the Hippo: "Aye Franny! How are you gonna find the manager's office with all that shit in your eyes. Hahaha!"
Felipe the Hippo: "Ahahahaha! Good one Tony."
Francis the Hippo: "Ok fine! I won't go the manager's office. I'll just kill myself right now with this grenade! That would fix all my problems. How would you like that huh, you big stinking bully!
Tony the Hippo: "Aw come on Francis, we're just joking over here, fuhgetta bout it. Besides, killing yourself won't change the size of your tiny penis!"
Felipe the Hippo: "Hahhahaha, nice one Tony. Yeah, we should call him, Francis the small penised Hippo! HahaUhhuhahahahuhuh."
**BOOM**

And here's a picture, but you probably already knew that, unless you are really dumb, which I suspect you're not because your reading this awesome blog.

Storytime 3: Got Dem Bitches on Check

So. I woke up right about noon...knew that I had to go to my first dance in about 6 hours.

Yep, hard to believe huh? Me, Haywad, the Beast from the Middle East, Haywadizzle, Haystack, the Black Dragon(ok not the last one) has never been to a dance. Nor have I ever danced with girl before. But, that all changed today, all thanks to my Korean friend, Brian Jeon. Or as I like to to call him, Brian (his intials are BJ, like blowjob, lol)

Yesterday, I got a call from Brian, and my gay ass, bitch ass, Indian ass, gay ass, Indian ass friend, Sean. They said that I am coming to a dance with them tomorrow, and I was all like,"oh heck noes, I scared," but they were all like,"oh no, you going bruh." So then I was like,"ok whatever, I don't give a fuck, ima muthafuckin pussy killa."

And here's the twist: I did give a fuck, and I am not a pussy killa (whatever that means((actually, I do know what that means)))Yes, I did just put a parenthesis in another parenthesis.

Anyway, I was tripping all day today, considering that I didn't know how to dance, and I wouldn't know many people there. But, I just tried to put myself in a "I don't give a fuck because I will never see most of these people again" mindset. It didn't really work, like if Ricky Martin went to prison and tried to avoid getting butt raped, he is just too sexy.

The adventure begins with Reggie, Roberta, and Brian coming to pick me up at around 6pm (that fagshit Sean didn't go the dance, he was probably putting curry in his butthole, you know, cuz he's Indian and gay). It was hot as shit today, so I got to just wear my tight white T-shirt and look hella sexy with my muscles all showing and what not; don't worry, I put a nice velvet red dress shirt on before we went to the dance. Then, we picked up Megan, drove her to her house to get a dress because she didn't know it was a formal dance, and headed on out to Mission Valley Highschool aka Mission Valley Cumschool.

When we arrived I quickly discovered that I was out of place, seriously, about 97% of the kids were Asian. I was taller and bigger than most of the people there and that made me feel even more awkward and shy.


I felt a little better when I saw Anthony Cisneros (he's Mexican and Italian! isn't that awesome copter). So, we just stood around until they told us to go sit at one of the three long tables. At the end of our table was me, Brian, Megan, Roberta, Reggie, Anthony, and MIKE JONES! Who? MIKE JONES! The one and only you can't clone me, got a lot of haters and a lot of homies, some friends and some phonies, back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me. Yeah, so his name is Michael Jones, and he's really white.

We ate Chinese food, listened to some speeches, and drank some dranks (it was an event for a volunteer club). Then, the dance room started poppin and I knew it was time for me to make it or break it. And I broke it, I broke it like a polaroid picture. Basically, Me, Anthony and Mike Jones stood on the dance floor and did nothing. Megan was nice enough to try to dance with me, but I failed big time.

For the next hour and a half, I was either: standing outside the dance room talking to Anthony and feeling like a piece of crap, standing inside the dance room trying to talk to Anthony and feeling like a piece of shit, or even resorting to going outside and calling my cousin, Masude, which made me feel like the biggest loser faced turd eater ever. What made it even worse was that there was a douchebag gangsta Asian guy with two bitches outside too, watching me talk to my cousin about computers. Also, Mike Jones (Who?) was always around us, I didn't really talk to him, but he was always near, always queer (he's not actually gay, near and queer rhymed and I didn't know how to end the sentence, so yeah).

Here's a picture of me at the drink table like a loser:

Then, Brian came out of the dance room after dancing with Reggie for like 20 minutes straight and sat down with me and Anthony. Then, Roberta came and Brian told Roberta to dance with me, so we went in the dance room and she taught me how to dance. I was pretty nervous, but I got into it and it turned out to be fun, albeit a little tiring on my legs because I was still a tad sore (you know, because I work out and am cool).

Then, I danced a little with Reggie, then again with Roberta after the techno music, yay Sandstorm! I guess the DJ was good, I knew most of the songs. It was definitely not crackin though. At most, there were like 30 people actually dancing. Also, there was an extreme lack of...

DONK BOOTY

So that was my first dance experience, thanks to all the people in my story for making it possible.

CowJo out. I put that when I don't know how to end a post in a funny way and just want to get done with it. Sorry for the un-creavity, I finished this in the afternoon, I'm usually much funnier at 3am.

Rolf Copter Dump Tyme

Today marks a revolutionary day in the history of CowJoMonkey's Kool Kids Klub. I was thinking about how I am going to incorporate all the videos and pictures I have bookmarked or saved over the years into the blog, and I have came to a solution. I'm just gonna fuckin dump it here, and wave my hands like I just don't care, cuz there ain't no party like a West Coast party, cuz a West Coast party goes dumb.

Congradulations dear Sir, Mam or Faggit, you have read through the utter shit I have typed above without exiting the page. You will now be rewarded with a fantastic cash prize! Rico, show them what they've won!

Rico: Eeehhh, you spent all the money at Bed, Bath, and Beyond last weekend, Senor.
Haywad: No I didn't. Wait did I really, Rico?
Rico: Si, Senor.
Haywad: What? You know I don't speak Cuban.
Rico: Cuban isn't a lang...
Haywad: I DON'T SPEAK CUBAN, RICO.
Rico: Sorry Senor. Yis, you spent all the money on juicers and kinky kitchen appliances.
Haywad: Oh, now I remember, that was one wild night. No wonder why my anus has been hurting, must of been the damn turbo spatula.
Rico: Eeehhh, wrong again Senor. It was the miniature horse you purchased.

Anyway, so as a consolation prize, here's some stuff that you might find enjoyable.

This is "teh" funniest thang ever.


This has been my favorite video for the past couple of weeks, you have to watch it.


Why?Why?Why? and Why?


I don't want to flood my page with Youtube videos, so here is the rest of the shit that I think is funny/awesome.

This is the music video for that jazz song that plays when things are supposed to be all wacky and fast. I'm sure you have heard it before, but it's still awesome.

In honor of the amazing Star Trek movie that came out this week, here is the video of William Shatner "wooing" remixed into a cool techno song.

Here is a hilarious interview with Ali G, he is interviewing Posh Spice and David Beckham. I didn't know David Beckham was so absent of a personality...and a fag.

Please, do yourself a favor and watch this. Norm MacDonald is doing an interview on Conan O' Brien and it is unbelievably funny. Seriously, this is my most favorite interview ever, Norm is pure genius. Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. If your only going to watch one, part 3 is probably the best.

This video is a fat guy dancing to "Single Ladies". His precision and attention to detail still amazes me.

Well, that's all the crap for today. If you didn't find any of this funny or enjoyable, I have one more thing for those of you with special humorous needs.

J.C.V.D.

I love Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Here is my pitch for his movie, J.C.V.D.(2008).


Last year, a movie came out starring the 47 year-old "Muscles from Brussels", Jean-Claude Van Damme.

The movie consists of Jean-Claude Van Damme playing as Jean-Claude Van Damme.

And in this movie, Jean-Claude Van Damme robs a bank and does a powerful, 6 minute, one-take monologue in which he cries.

Also, it got an 85% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Are you convinced yet? Ok, then watch this fucking awesome trailer. Are you convinced now? Ok, great, now go watch the movie before I become enraged at your defiance and commit crimes so heinous that even OJ Simpson couldn't get away with them.

And make sure to watch the "Theatrical Version"(original french/english mix with english subtitles).

CowJo out.

Storytime 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yeap...it's one of those again.

So about a month ago, or whenever I feel like it was cuz ima muthafuckin boss(that video is mad funny), I went to Raley's to get a large turkey sandwich. But not just any sandwich, it is a sandwich built from the tendons of Zeus himself, with the power to crumble great mountains, and bring the most powerful of gods to their knees; it's basically the best really big sandwich you can get for 8 dollars.

I go there every couple of weeks and we usually get this black guy, Steven, or this chink, Chinky McChinkerson, to make us the sandwich. They always make it really good because they don't follow the rules. See, the catch with buying a huge eight dollar sandwich is that they put shit on it. Weird tasting turkey slices, lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise, mustard, and shit, don't forget the shit. But when Steven or Chinker O' Gookfield is there, they don't follow any of the rules and I get half pepper turkey, half pastrami, with anything else I want (once again, cuz ima muthafuckin boss).

But on that one fateful afternoon, we get this black girl. I forget her name, but it started with a "S", so it's probably Shaniqua, or Sha Nay Nay, or Orlando. Anyhoo, I had encountered her once before with my mom, and my mom got really mad because, according to her, the black girl made a bad sandwich and the service was terrible. I thought it was fine, but as soon as I saw her, I told my mom to go do the rest of the shopping and I would get the sandwich myself.

Good idea! Cuz my mom would have went straight 18 dummy on that beezy (I think that means my mom would have gotten extremely mad and complained a great deal). Basically, she didn't know anything about making a sandwich under Raley's big sandwich rules. So, I picked out a french bread from the nearby cart and handed it to her. She cut it and then we began the process of a thousand sighs. I asked for pepper turkey, and she yelled across me to her old white lady co-worker to ask if they can put pepper turkey. Nope. So then I ask for lettuce and tomatoes. Yes. Ok, not so bad anymore, then this happens:

Shantifa: Do you want mayonnaise?
Me: Yes.
Shantifa: (yelling to co-worker) Can we put mayonnaise?
Co-worker: Yes.

Let that sink in for a minute. Ok great.

Then I ask for onions, she asks co-worker. Yay I get onions. I ask for olive spread, she asks co-worker. Boo no olive spread. Same thing happens with mustard, what the hell, it's fucking mustard!

She then asks me what kind of cheese I want, American I say (Obama!Obama!).
Then, as she is laying down those thin slices of compacted yellow milk, she gets to the 5th slice and stops. And I wonder, what could have happened to prevent that 5th slice from floating down into the 7 dollars and 99 cents of deliciousness?

Well, we don't have to wait long to find out. She asks Mr. Chinkerstein if she should put 4 or 5 slices of cheese, he says 4. So, then she takes off the 5th slice that was already half way on the sandwich, and spaces out the 4 slices left. Right in front of my innocent fucking face. A crime like that should be heralded as blasphemy!

So the sandwich is done, and you know what, it's not that bad, I'm a pretty patient and understanding person. It's all good Shabonquifa. So she strolls along to the register to slap a price tag on it...........and she doesn't know the code for 8 dollar sandwich's. So she asks the white lady, then the chink, then another lady, then a white guy. And you know what/!?!?1/!? They all don't know the fucking code. Then, they all come behind the counter and spend a good 8-10 minutes trying to figure out the code. With me just standing there, wiggling the suicide switch in my pocket, but deciding to take the stronger path and wait this motherfucker out.

Eventually, with the brainpower of five Raley's deli professionals, they finally figure out the forbidden code. WOOPS! I forgot to mention that during the entire 8-10 minutes, the black girl was holding the ceramic wrapped sandwich on her shoulder and under her arm the whole time! YOU HAVE TO BE SHITTING ME. Like wow, you couldn't have just put it down.

She hands me the sandwich, which they usually put in a bag, but this took so fucking long I didn't want to bother her dumbass and just grabbed the french bread bag on the counter to hold the sandwich in.

Then, my mother and I get to the register to pay for the sandwich with the other groceries, and as the guy is swiping our items, I notice something extraordinary on the checkout screen. Something so unbelievably magnificent, that even Angelica Pickles would not exhibit a squeal. One of the items said:

French Bread $1.69

I didn't buy a french bread, only a sandwich. The sandwich was inside of the bread bag, but surely the well-trained Raley's register man would know that a French Bread isn't that heavy. Haha, well isn't that a funny mix up, I should immediately notify the nice man of his mistake of charging me only $1.69 for an 8 dollar sandwich.
WELL TOO FUCKING BAD BITCH UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!!!
IN YOUR FACE RALEY'S
IN YOUR FACE SHANTIFA
IN YOUR FACE CHINK BITCH
I WIN.

Vassup, I'm Bruno!

This is Bruno, the new character in Sacha Baron Cohen's line of raunchy smash-hit CUMedies. I have watched this trailer more times than the number of fights an Irish midget partakes in at Shamus O'Reily's Pub on a weekly basis. Which, unsurprisingly, is also the number of times that said Irish midget beats his wife...at Shamus O'Reily's Pub on a weekly basis.

And this is my impersonation Bruno (sorry if you don't like it, I will have an all new Story Time up soon, just be patient).



I am very excited for Bruno, but I don't think it will be as popular or buzz-worthy as its risque predecessor. Borat was completely new and took things to a ridiculous level that hadn't been seen on the silver screen before. Bruno seems to be exactly the same, but with a gay Austrian guy. This leads me to believe that all of the people that went out to see Borat just to see what all the hub-bubb was about, and quickly discovered it wasn't their cup of tea after Borat proudly displayed pictures of his son's penis, won't take another risk with Bruno. Also, I don't think it will have as many memorable quotes (You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?), considering the Bruno accent is much harder to do and gay stereotypes are worn out now.

Despite the possible negatives, judging from this trailer, I think Mr. Cohen can still piss off a lot of people for the enjoyment of movie-goers everywhere... and of course the gay Austrian community.

My want for this movie is so powerful that it almost rivals my desire to enslave every meerkat in the world and brutally work them until their paws turn to bone and their fur to rags. At which point, I would inject them all with rabies and unleash them into Cuba. Once the dirty, filthy, low-down, good-for-nuthin, no good, lousy, rape-tastic Communist bastards are gone; I would acquire five million of the stupidest people on Earth and ship them to live there. I will call it, New Canada.


It kinda looks like he's saying New Canada right. Ok, no it doesn't, but I can dream! Can't I papa? You always told me to keep dreaming...well until you died in that fatal water balloon accident.

Gay Day L.A.

Woke up right about noon, knew I had to be in Compton soon. Actually it was 5:30am, and I went to sleep at 3:30am. So with two hours of sleep and the audacity of a black guy trying to drink out of a white water fountain during the 1930's, I drove to the airport with my mom and uncle; with the intention of kicking it at my aunt's house in the South (SUUUUURRRR131313131313BLOODKILLA) of California, in Simi Valley (the second safest city in the entirety of Uncle Sam's backyard).

On the plane ride, there was only one noteworthy escapade. When we went to sit down, there was a pretty young Asian women sitting on the aisle seat, and my 60 year-old unmarried, large bellied uncle decided to ask her to stand up and sit right next to her. Now this wouldn't have been so bad regularly, but the plane was emptier...ok wait. So I thought of two jokes for this part, it took like 3 minutes to decide so I was like fuck it, here they are:
1. But the place was emptier than Martha Stewart's vagina. Hardy har har.
2. But the place was emptier than "da corner" during Red Lobster's all you can eat shrimp week in a primarily black neighborhood.

Back to the story, my uncle could have easily sat on the window seat, but he sat right next to her in the middle. Around 5 minutes later, she quickly zipped to the seat right behind her.

So I get to my cousin's 2 million dollar house of paradise, we chill, go get his car's oil changed and grab a bite to eat at the most fuckin Mexican dump of a restaurant I have ever seen. Then, I MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN THE WHOLE OF MY LIFE and agree to go to work with him. He works in a T-Mobile kiosk in a mall, oh goody.

What ensues is an experience that only Satan himself could create right after being dumped by his boyfriend (everyone knows Satan is gay)(nice one, HIGH FIVE GOD!). I was so bored within the first 5 minutes, I decided to record everything that happened on a piece of paper until it was over. Here are the participants:



And here is the document, typed by my sexy nurse aka myself.

4 Fucking 55 Pee Em……C Hammer

-Standing in front of the T-Mobile kiosk with the guy’s listed above, and another guy, but he was so uninteresting I didn’t care to take a picture of him.
-Played Counter-Strike on Felciano’s account, got 2 kills and 3 deaths on de_dust2. Oh yeah, uber pwnzer. Feliciano seems unpleased.
-While reading, Charlie yells out outrageously wacky greetings to people passing by.
-Aimen gets made fun of by everybody, except other guy.
-OMG Charlie is fucking H to the ilarious.
- Everybody butt bumps Aimen into a corner of the kiosk, Charlie starts singing, and Feliciano dances with the passion of one thousand sweaty Spaniards in the hot sun of the Nicaraguan valleys, their chest hair pulsing out of their beading chests.
-I threw a pen, it bounced off the table and hit Feliciano’s arm. Not a good move.
-Hot Mexican girls walk by and Charlie says in a gay accent “Latinas for your penis”. Girl with extremely short jeans walks by and Charlie says in a gay accent “Your shorts are being eaten by your coochie, oh its hungry today”.
-Feliciano making a deal, seems unpleased.
-Charlie is back to reading after berating Aimen, what a glorious site it is.
-Other guy is fixing Aimen’s computer mistake.
-Charlie has his reading bubble invaded by Aimen, seems pleased.
-Aimen said “One time I didn’t talk for 2 and a half hours and Charlie freaked out”. Then I said “I didn’t know you could jack off for that long” Lol I am good at being funny.
-I ask Aimen what time it be fool, he guesses 5:15, I guess 5:18. BOOYAH ITS 5:19, I WIN BITCH.
-Aimen asks Charlie Charl if I can come into the kiosk, no response, why don’t they like me!
-Another failed attempt to make Charlie laugh. Fucking pimples and gay teenager clothes.
-Found out other guys name is Val, and he’s Russian. Fucking bear wrestling Communist.
-Fat black guy comes and looks at phones, then he walks away. THANK GOD.
-Aimen is talking on the phone and-OMFG WTF SO MANY HOT GIRLS HERE.
-Me and Aimen playing Swords and Sandals 2. GladiaTOOORRSSS!.

-Aimen bought a sandwhich, without fucking chipotle sauce, even after I told him to tell the fucking lady to put it on. LIKE WTF. Who buys a sandwhich without chipotle sauce when there is clearly an abundance of chipotle sauce to be eaten. I would drink that shit like no fucking tomorrow. What a faggot.
-Charlie is leaving and I say bye while he is walking away, he responds with a peace sign. His musky smell carrying love that was once forgotten.
-Aimen loses my respect because he doesn’t pick up the pen I dropped in the kiosk, seriously, this nigga just wants to get shot.
-Me and Feliciano have a moment while talking about Super Smash Brothers, he smiled and I smiled back. Oh what a crazy world we live in.
-Val fights a Russian bear with his BEAR hands. Hahahahahah omg omgomg ogmgomg, wait wait wait wait wait, HAHAHAHAH OMGOMGOMGOMGMMMMMMMMMMG.

-Feliciano is talking to some hot African Queen at the store across from us. Why does it hurt me so much, why!?
-Aimen buys me a drank, jk, he buys me Panda Express. Half fried rice, half chow mein, orange chicken, and broccoli beef all day. Every day.
-Feliciano and Val leave, the kiosk is all me and Aimen, Oh fucking yeaaaah.
-OMG I’m gonna kill myself, like zomg, it is so boring.
-Ok, so its like 2 hours later and I’m about to kill myself, like omg. It’s so boring and I’m tired. But I have to look on the bright side, at least I’m not Native American.
-I’m sitting on the counter in the kiosk. If Stephanie Tanner were here, she would say “How rude”. Then, I would fucking stomp her face into the ground because I hated that catchphrase.
-Ok so now I have totally gone insane of boredom and went on a crazy writing tangent, here are the results, I highly reccemond you don't read this:

-Niggas in the streets is always hard, sucking dick tryin to be legit, sit down bitch I aint said shit, cuz we fly and we buy, we use kai and we lie, to everybody like that cuz we hard ass niggas n shit. Slut nut. OMG what am I doing here, honestly plz help me, I cant stop the music, music, like Jamba Juicic, buick, what you know bout me 5-9 Southbeach babby suck balls in my face. What? That didn’t even make sense! I’m trying to waste time, but wtf, like zomg, yes its omg with a Z. What has this come to! I trying to make the idiotic writing take away the pain my legs, mind and soul are experiencing but its not wurking. Like wtf is I doing in this dis biatch. Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but now I’m cleaning up my cum stain.
- Wow 9 thousandth fucking time I’m fucking hearing blame it on the Ah ah ah ah ah ah lcohol baby.

It's Story Time!

Ok, for some reason that will be passed down by elders of the village for thousands of years, never to be forgotten until everybody in the village dies of aids...It took me like 2 hours to get this stupid video to work. Enjoy!



I was all shootin some b-ball outside of the school. When a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight...sorry I had to.

So one day in history class, after I had just gotten raped...sorry once again, I had to.

Alrighty then, so there is this sassy little miss thang thang black girl in my history class. She doesn't do any work and when I'm in a group with her she doesn't talk to anybody. I have even tried to involve her in our assignments, like asking her opinion about what we should do on a poster, and she just looked at me with her huge bug eyes and shaked her head ever so slightly that I had to keep staring at her to make sure she actually communicated to me. This is really hard for me to tell this story and not say anything offensive to black people.

Anyway, so one day she walks into class like 20 minutes late and our really nice teacher says:
"Hey, kiddo, do you have pass?"

And she just stares at him and the class like we are the most disgusting thing she has ever seen. It's like she walked into the wrong room and it was filled with dead bodies, she continued to just stare at us until she finally shaked her head and walked to her desk like she had a stick up her ass. It was honestly dumbfounding that she could just walk into class that late, and be a bitch like that. And to top the whole mutherfucking thing off, SHE WAS WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAID "I'M BOSSY" IN HUGE LETTERS.

So yeah, If this didn't prove how much I hate black people, I made this little video to show you how much I do (sorry no sound):



By the way, I don't actually hate black people.

Can you lend a nigga a pencil?

I don't like just putting up Youtube videos and being like watch this lolz its funny. But damn this shit is redunkulous. It's a news story about a teacher who called a student a nigga, and this teacher is hilarious.

The black kid is an idiot, I wish I had a teacher like that. If I seen dat nigga in da streets, I would bop him right in da head and say what now bitch, yeah, taste that dirt, you like it?, have some more, then I would staple that fools hands to the ground and be like aw shit cuz, wheres Malcolm X now?

Skip to 2:10 for the good shit if your more impatient than a monkey's uncle, which I've heard from sources of high stature, are very impatient. In fact, they are Numero 2 on the list of most impatient animal uncles, Number 1 being of course a mongooses uncle.



Youtubers from Youtube have created some funny remixes, sadly, none of them feature Ja Rule. But here are 2 of them: I like balls, NOT lol.

The Mutha Truckin DBZ Movie

Look, I'm trying my hardest to keep this blog a safe zone for kids and the elderly alike. But FUCK THIS NOISE broseph. Here's the trailer for the upcoming live-action Dragonball Z movie:





I'm the biggest mutha truckin DBZ fan ever. I own like 8 shirts, 3 videogames, a partridge in a pear tree, countless action figures, I bought a copy of GamPro (the worst videogame magazine ever) because it had the new shitty DBZ game on the cover, I know every word for every song in every DBZ music video, and I've watched every episode at least 5 times. I could go on, but the anger in my words would inflict enough pain that ten thousand baby mongooses would die at the hands of an angry girl who just had her Quinceanera (you know, dem Mexican sweet fifteens) ruined.


Seriously! What the SHIT, Master Roshi doesn't look anything like Master Roshi, who the fuck is that other old guy, and who the ballsack are those 2 twin Jap bitches.

When the movie comes out, I will see it 10 times in a row. It will go something like this:

1. Cry.
2. Cry.
3. Cry.
4. Be angry.
5. Be angry.
6. Complain.
7. Complain about how it could have been way better.
8. Masturba... I mean be angry.
9. Set a random hobo on fire (just kidding, that's mean).
10. Cry

Sorry about all the links, I will try to put less next time, they are funny though. I made the mongoose one.

ZOMG

What do I put here? I am so scared, someone snuck into my housing establishment and put a Slap Chop to my head, then the mysterious being forced me to create a blog. So here I am. This will be probably be like teh funniest/best blog ever, but don't take this post as an example of how funny/besty it will be.

So stay tuned and don't do drugs, but even if you do drugs, please CUM back (see what I did there, this blog will consist greatly of that kind of comedic charadery).