J.C.V.D.

I love Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Here is my pitch for his movie, J.C.V.D.(2008).


Last year, a movie came out starring the 47 year-old "Muscles from Brussels", Jean-Claude Van Damme.

The movie consists of Jean-Claude Van Damme playing as Jean-Claude Van Damme.

And in this movie, Jean-Claude Van Damme robs a bank and does a powerful, 6 minute, one-take monologue in which he cries.

Also, it got an 85% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Are you convinced yet? Ok, then watch this fucking awesome trailer. Are you convinced now? Ok, great, now go watch the movie before I become enraged at your defiance and commit crimes so heinous that even OJ Simpson couldn't get away with them.

And make sure to watch the "Theatrical Version"(original french/english mix with english subtitles).

CowJo out.

Storytime 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yeap...it's one of those again.

So about a month ago, or whenever I feel like it was cuz ima muthafuckin boss(that video is mad funny), I went to Raley's to get a large turkey sandwich. But not just any sandwich, it is a sandwich built from the tendons of Zeus himself, with the power to crumble great mountains, and bring the most powerful of gods to their knees; it's basically the best really big sandwich you can get for 8 dollars.

I go there every couple of weeks and we usually get this black guy, Steven, or this chink, Chinky McChinkerson, to make us the sandwich. They always make it really good because they don't follow the rules. See, the catch with buying a huge eight dollar sandwich is that they put shit on it. Weird tasting turkey slices, lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise, mustard, and shit, don't forget the shit. But when Steven or Chinker O' Gookfield is there, they don't follow any of the rules and I get half pepper turkey, half pastrami, with anything else I want (once again, cuz ima muthafuckin boss).

But on that one fateful afternoon, we get this black girl. I forget her name, but it started with a "S", so it's probably Shaniqua, or Sha Nay Nay, or Orlando. Anyhoo, I had encountered her once before with my mom, and my mom got really mad because, according to her, the black girl made a bad sandwich and the service was terrible. I thought it was fine, but as soon as I saw her, I told my mom to go do the rest of the shopping and I would get the sandwich myself.

Good idea! Cuz my mom would have went straight 18 dummy on that beezy (I think that means my mom would have gotten extremely mad and complained a great deal). Basically, she didn't know anything about making a sandwich under Raley's big sandwich rules. So, I picked out a french bread from the nearby cart and handed it to her. She cut it and then we began the process of a thousand sighs. I asked for pepper turkey, and she yelled across me to her old white lady co-worker to ask if they can put pepper turkey. Nope. So then I ask for lettuce and tomatoes. Yes. Ok, not so bad anymore, then this happens:

Shantifa: Do you want mayonnaise?
Me: Yes.
Shantifa: (yelling to co-worker) Can we put mayonnaise?
Co-worker: Yes.

Let that sink in for a minute. Ok great.

Then I ask for onions, she asks co-worker. Yay I get onions. I ask for olive spread, she asks co-worker. Boo no olive spread. Same thing happens with mustard, what the hell, it's fucking mustard!

She then asks me what kind of cheese I want, American I say (Obama!Obama!).
Then, as she is laying down those thin slices of compacted yellow milk, she gets to the 5th slice and stops. And I wonder, what could have happened to prevent that 5th slice from floating down into the 7 dollars and 99 cents of deliciousness?

Well, we don't have to wait long to find out. She asks Mr. Chinkerstein if she should put 4 or 5 slices of cheese, he says 4. So, then she takes off the 5th slice that was already half way on the sandwich, and spaces out the 4 slices left. Right in front of my innocent fucking face. A crime like that should be heralded as blasphemy!

So the sandwich is done, and you know what, it's not that bad, I'm a pretty patient and understanding person. It's all good Shabonquifa. So she strolls along to the register to slap a price tag on it...........and she doesn't know the code for 8 dollar sandwich's. So she asks the white lady, then the chink, then another lady, then a white guy. And you know what/!?!?1/!? They all don't know the fucking code. Then, they all come behind the counter and spend a good 8-10 minutes trying to figure out the code. With me just standing there, wiggling the suicide switch in my pocket, but deciding to take the stronger path and wait this motherfucker out.

Eventually, with the brainpower of five Raley's deli professionals, they finally figure out the forbidden code. WOOPS! I forgot to mention that during the entire 8-10 minutes, the black girl was holding the ceramic wrapped sandwich on her shoulder and under her arm the whole time! YOU HAVE TO BE SHITTING ME. Like wow, you couldn't have just put it down.

She hands me the sandwich, which they usually put in a bag, but this took so fucking long I didn't want to bother her dumbass and just grabbed the french bread bag on the counter to hold the sandwich in.

Then, my mother and I get to the register to pay for the sandwich with the other groceries, and as the guy is swiping our items, I notice something extraordinary on the checkout screen. Something so unbelievably magnificent, that even Angelica Pickles would not exhibit a squeal. One of the items said:

French Bread $1.69

I didn't buy a french bread, only a sandwich. The sandwich was inside of the bread bag, but surely the well-trained Raley's register man would know that a French Bread isn't that heavy. Haha, well isn't that a funny mix up, I should immediately notify the nice man of his mistake of charging me only $1.69 for an 8 dollar sandwich.
WELL TOO FUCKING BAD BITCH UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!!!
IN YOUR FACE RALEY'S
IN YOUR FACE SHANTIFA
IN YOUR FACE CHINK BITCH
I WIN.

Vassup, I'm Bruno!

This is Bruno, the new character in Sacha Baron Cohen's line of raunchy smash-hit CUMedies. I have watched this trailer more times than the number of fights an Irish midget partakes in at Shamus O'Reily's Pub on a weekly basis. Which, unsurprisingly, is also the number of times that said Irish midget beats his wife...at Shamus O'Reily's Pub on a weekly basis.

And this is my impersonation Bruno (sorry if you don't like it, I will have an all new Story Time up soon, just be patient).



I am very excited for Bruno, but I don't think it will be as popular or buzz-worthy as its risque predecessor. Borat was completely new and took things to a ridiculous level that hadn't been seen on the silver screen before. Bruno seems to be exactly the same, but with a gay Austrian guy. This leads me to believe that all of the people that went out to see Borat just to see what all the hub-bubb was about, and quickly discovered it wasn't their cup of tea after Borat proudly displayed pictures of his son's penis, won't take another risk with Bruno. Also, I don't think it will have as many memorable quotes (You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?), considering the Bruno accent is much harder to do and gay stereotypes are worn out now.

Despite the possible negatives, judging from this trailer, I think Mr. Cohen can still piss off a lot of people for the enjoyment of movie-goers everywhere... and of course the gay Austrian community.

My want for this movie is so powerful that it almost rivals my desire to enslave every meerkat in the world and brutally work them until their paws turn to bone and their fur to rags. At which point, I would inject them all with rabies and unleash them into Cuba. Once the dirty, filthy, low-down, good-for-nuthin, no good, lousy, rape-tastic Communist bastards are gone; I would acquire five million of the stupidest people on Earth and ship them to live there. I will call it, New Canada.


It kinda looks like he's saying New Canada right. Ok, no it doesn't, but I can dream! Can't I papa? You always told me to keep dreaming...well until you died in that fatal water balloon accident.

Gay Day L.A.

Woke up right about noon, knew I had to be in Compton soon. Actually it was 5:30am, and I went to sleep at 3:30am. So with two hours of sleep and the audacity of a black guy trying to drink out of a white water fountain during the 1930's, I drove to the airport with my mom and uncle; with the intention of kicking it at my aunt's house in the South (SUUUUURRRR131313131313BLOODKILLA) of California, in Simi Valley (the second safest city in the entirety of Uncle Sam's backyard).

On the plane ride, there was only one noteworthy escapade. When we went to sit down, there was a pretty young Asian women sitting on the aisle seat, and my 60 year-old unmarried, large bellied uncle decided to ask her to stand up and sit right next to her. Now this wouldn't have been so bad regularly, but the plane was emptier...ok wait. So I thought of two jokes for this part, it took like 3 minutes to decide so I was like fuck it, here they are:
1. But the place was emptier than Martha Stewart's vagina. Hardy har har.
2. But the place was emptier than "da corner" during Red Lobster's all you can eat shrimp week in a primarily black neighborhood.

Back to the story, my uncle could have easily sat on the window seat, but he sat right next to her in the middle. Around 5 minutes later, she quickly zipped to the seat right behind her.

So I get to my cousin's 2 million dollar house of paradise, we chill, go get his car's oil changed and grab a bite to eat at the most fuckin Mexican dump of a restaurant I have ever seen. Then, I MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN THE WHOLE OF MY LIFE and agree to go to work with him. He works in a T-Mobile kiosk in a mall, oh goody.

What ensues is an experience that only Satan himself could create right after being dumped by his boyfriend (everyone knows Satan is gay)(nice one, HIGH FIVE GOD!). I was so bored within the first 5 minutes, I decided to record everything that happened on a piece of paper until it was over. Here are the participants:



And here is the document, typed by my sexy nurse aka myself.

4 Fucking 55 Pee Em……C Hammer

-Standing in front of the T-Mobile kiosk with the guy’s listed above, and another guy, but he was so uninteresting I didn’t care to take a picture of him.
-Played Counter-Strike on Felciano’s account, got 2 kills and 3 deaths on de_dust2. Oh yeah, uber pwnzer. Feliciano seems unpleased.
-While reading, Charlie yells out outrageously wacky greetings to people passing by.
-Aimen gets made fun of by everybody, except other guy.
-OMG Charlie is fucking H to the ilarious.
- Everybody butt bumps Aimen into a corner of the kiosk, Charlie starts singing, and Feliciano dances with the passion of one thousand sweaty Spaniards in the hot sun of the Nicaraguan valleys, their chest hair pulsing out of their beading chests.
-I threw a pen, it bounced off the table and hit Feliciano’s arm. Not a good move.
-Hot Mexican girls walk by and Charlie says in a gay accent “Latinas for your penis”. Girl with extremely short jeans walks by and Charlie says in a gay accent “Your shorts are being eaten by your coochie, oh its hungry today”.
-Feliciano making a deal, seems unpleased.
-Charlie is back to reading after berating Aimen, what a glorious site it is.
-Other guy is fixing Aimen’s computer mistake.
-Charlie has his reading bubble invaded by Aimen, seems pleased.
-Aimen said “One time I didn’t talk for 2 and a half hours and Charlie freaked out”. Then I said “I didn’t know you could jack off for that long” Lol I am good at being funny.
-I ask Aimen what time it be fool, he guesses 5:15, I guess 5:18. BOOYAH ITS 5:19, I WIN BITCH.
-Aimen asks Charlie Charl if I can come into the kiosk, no response, why don’t they like me!
-Another failed attempt to make Charlie laugh. Fucking pimples and gay teenager clothes.
-Found out other guys name is Val, and he’s Russian. Fucking bear wrestling Communist.
-Fat black guy comes and looks at phones, then he walks away. THANK GOD.
-Aimen is talking on the phone and-OMFG WTF SO MANY HOT GIRLS HERE.
-Me and Aimen playing Swords and Sandals 2. GladiaTOOORRSSS!.

-Aimen bought a sandwhich, without fucking chipotle sauce, even after I told him to tell the fucking lady to put it on. LIKE WTF. Who buys a sandwhich without chipotle sauce when there is clearly an abundance of chipotle sauce to be eaten. I would drink that shit like no fucking tomorrow. What a faggot.
-Charlie is leaving and I say bye while he is walking away, he responds with a peace sign. His musky smell carrying love that was once forgotten.
-Aimen loses my respect because he doesn’t pick up the pen I dropped in the kiosk, seriously, this nigga just wants to get shot.
-Me and Feliciano have a moment while talking about Super Smash Brothers, he smiled and I smiled back. Oh what a crazy world we live in.
-Val fights a Russian bear with his BEAR hands. Hahahahahah omg omgomg ogmgomg, wait wait wait wait wait, HAHAHAHAH OMGOMGOMGOMGMMMMMMMMMMG.

-Feliciano is talking to some hot African Queen at the store across from us. Why does it hurt me so much, why!?
-Aimen buys me a drank, jk, he buys me Panda Express. Half fried rice, half chow mein, orange chicken, and broccoli beef all day. Every day.
-Feliciano and Val leave, the kiosk is all me and Aimen, Oh fucking yeaaaah.
-OMG I’m gonna kill myself, like zomg, it is so boring.
-Ok, so its like 2 hours later and I’m about to kill myself, like omg. It’s so boring and I’m tired. But I have to look on the bright side, at least I’m not Native American.
-I’m sitting on the counter in the kiosk. If Stephanie Tanner were here, she would say “How rude”. Then, I would fucking stomp her face into the ground because I hated that catchphrase.
-Ok so now I have totally gone insane of boredom and went on a crazy writing tangent, here are the results, I highly reccemond you don't read this:

-Niggas in the streets is always hard, sucking dick tryin to be legit, sit down bitch I aint said shit, cuz we fly and we buy, we use kai and we lie, to everybody like that cuz we hard ass niggas n shit. Slut nut. OMG what am I doing here, honestly plz help me, I cant stop the music, music, like Jamba Juicic, buick, what you know bout me 5-9 Southbeach babby suck balls in my face. What? That didn’t even make sense! I’m trying to waste time, but wtf, like zomg, yes its omg with a Z. What has this come to! I trying to make the idiotic writing take away the pain my legs, mind and soul are experiencing but its not wurking. Like wtf is I doing in this dis biatch. Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but now I’m cleaning up my cum stain.
- Wow 9 thousandth fucking time I’m fucking hearing blame it on the Ah ah ah ah ah ah lcohol baby.

It's Story Time!

Ok, for some reason that will be passed down by elders of the village for thousands of years, never to be forgotten until everybody in the village dies of aids...It took me like 2 hours to get this stupid video to work. Enjoy!



I was all shootin some b-ball outside of the school. When a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight...sorry I had to.

So one day in history class, after I had just gotten raped...sorry once again, I had to.

Alrighty then, so there is this sassy little miss thang thang black girl in my history class. She doesn't do any work and when I'm in a group with her she doesn't talk to anybody. I have even tried to involve her in our assignments, like asking her opinion about what we should do on a poster, and she just looked at me with her huge bug eyes and shaked her head ever so slightly that I had to keep staring at her to make sure she actually communicated to me. This is really hard for me to tell this story and not say anything offensive to black people.

Anyway, so one day she walks into class like 20 minutes late and our really nice teacher says:
"Hey, kiddo, do you have pass?"

And she just stares at him and the class like we are the most disgusting thing she has ever seen. It's like she walked into the wrong room and it was filled with dead bodies, she continued to just stare at us until she finally shaked her head and walked to her desk like she had a stick up her ass. It was honestly dumbfounding that she could just walk into class that late, and be a bitch like that. And to top the whole mutherfucking thing off, SHE WAS WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAID "I'M BOSSY" IN HUGE LETTERS.

So yeah, If this didn't prove how much I hate black people, I made this little video to show you how much I do (sorry no sound):



By the way, I don't actually hate black people.