So. I got off school at about noon...knew that I had to go to my second dance in about 7 hours.
This post isn’t just about the dance. Today has been pretty darn tootin awesome and I want to share the story with the whole world! Or, you know, the two people that actually read this blog (Oprah and Abraham Lincoln).
So, it was the last day of school (or Auschwitz 2.0 as I like to call it) and I was happier than a beaver on a broomstick. I was actually excited for this dance because a lot of my friends would be there and it was the last day of school so I didn’t give a fuck about what would happen. But eventually, our old friend Nervousness rode into town on his trusty steed, Apprehension. I started to think “what if I cant get anybody to dance with me and all my friends are dancing and I’m just standing on the side like a Looser McSnoozer.”
Well, that thought stayed with me almost the entire day. But luckily, my niggas Alex and Brian hit me up on the telly and were like “Come over bro, we are really gay and we need you to even out the sexuality quota with your manliness”. So, I moseyed on over to Alex’s house. But I was 2 hours late, so Brian berated me with mean and hurtful comments that will forever remain etched into my heart; like “This makes me never wanna hang out with you again”.
I wont lie, I cried. Those words hurt so much, especially coming from Brian. I felt like I had just gotten a light brown Labrador puppy named Scooter and taught him how to scooter on his own personal puppy scooter that I paid for with the money I earned from mowing lawns all summer. Then, when taking Scooter to the boardwalk to show him to the girl I had crushed on since the third grade, the sound of a screeching puppy cry pierced my eardrums. Just as I had spotted the girl’s stunning long black hair flowing in the summer breeze, Scooter had wandered into the street behind me and was slaughtered by a 30 ton truck.
Ok, so back at Alex’s house, Anthony, Ketan (Indian fool), Will, Ben, and Matt (white ass niggas) came over with slurpees for everyone EXCEPT ME (come see me in the fucking streets if you bout to disrespect me like that esse). We chilled for a little bit, then Alex made the plan to go down the street and jam at Dennis’ house. Now see, Dennis is one of two extraordinary people I met today. He’s a laid back 40 something year-old white guy who wears backwards baseball caps and has the most awesomest garage ever. After tapping on his garage door, he opened up and immediately welcomed us in. Remember, we are eight teenage boys with slurpees, six of whom he had never met before.
Dennis’ garage was awe-inspiring. He has two huge drum sets, two guitars, a bass, three computer monitors, gigantic speakers and systems filling every wall and corner, a full organized tool set, a refrigerator abound with ice tea, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff. There were some large blue boxes on a shelf and I wouldn’t have been surprised to find Tupac in one of them.
After jizzing in my pants from the awesomness, we watched Alex, Brian, Anthony, and Dennis jam for about two hours (I even joined in with some maracas). At the beginning of the jam session, it was duller than Al Gore (woot fucking Al Gore joke, I’m on fire!), but then Dennis joined in and made everything a bit more funky (like my ringtone that has recently become too embarrassing for comfort).
So, then we went back to A-Trains house and dressed up. I wore slacks with the shiniest electric blue shirt you ever did see; if I had a gold chain with some curly chest hair I would have been all set to go clubbing at the swankiest joint in Jersey.
Then, the decisive decision that would decide da rest of my life (lol alliteration) arose...to tuck or not to tuck. Tucked in made me look husky and busky, but untucked made me look larger than a very large automobile. So I decided to go with husky and busky, but I was still looking sessy for all them mami's looking to get messy.
EventuaMcwally, we got to the dance by way of Brian's lovely parents. I hooked up with some old ass fools I aint even heard of in like hella days, so I was like "Oh shit watsup bro, I aint even seen you like in hella days". We then showed each other our inner thigh butterfly tatooes and reminisced of times past.
Then, the dance started and I was poppin and lockin and movin to the groovin, and just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted "YAAAAAY AREAAAAAAA".......Seriously, almost every other song had that in it, I mean I'm all for reppin the bay but there's a limit. I wanted to go to E-40's house and take a shit on the one thing he cherishes most in life.....ummm you know, something black people like.....like uuhh aids, yes AIDS! Black people are always talking bout aids, right?
Anywho, the whole dancing thang went pretty well. I danced with six different beezys, but I can't take all the credit. I only actually asked three to dance. Two of them, my friends asked for me before the dance because they were afraid I'd have no one to dance with. And the other one was the result of my large, strong black friend, Deante, asking me if I danced with anybody, I told him yes but he didn't believe me. He then proceeded to grab and drag me around the entire dance floor (I literally could not escape his grasp) and told this girl to dance with me. She did, which was nice, albeit a little awkward.
Also, a little funny tidbit: me, Nate Hirai, and Janesh (two cool guys that I met for the first time, Janesh being the second extraordinary guy I met that day) walked up to these three asian chicks that were sitting on the side of the dance floor and asked them to dance, they politely denied. But, we still felt pretty awesome for mustering up the balls to ask. So, about 20 minutes later (here's THE HILARIOUS PART), three asian guys walked in and sat with them. LAWL, they already had dates! Woowweee zowie! Now wasn't that a knee slapper.
After everybody left the dance, we stayed a little longer, helping to put the chairs and tables back and kinda cleaning up because the main organizers were our friends. And because our ride (Alex's mom) took longer to get there than it took for Jesus to die. I got bored, and did some things I don't regret. One of them being, sliding on my belly across the dance floor, it was fucking awesome and I got my friend to record it, but I haven't got the video yet, so stay tuned. Anyway, when I got up from the belly slide however, my shoes had skidded on the floor and made a huge black streak. Then, some Ukranian guy came up to me and repeatedly asked me "who's gonna pay for this", I apologized and didn't know what to do, but thankfully the streaks just wiped off.
[insert awesome video of me belly sliding on dance floor]
Finally, we all went home and I became BFF's with Nate. This concludes my fantabulous last day of school story.
I know I haven't updated this bad boy in a long time, but I'm definitely gonna be much more consistent. So don't touch that dial! or clicker! or Filipino (you might get dirty).
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